LIVING WITH DEPRESSION
Only few people knows about my depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental health issues. Those few people are people I only meet online. I am such a secretive person. I am so good at hiding my feelings that you wouldn’t notice I am struggling so much. I don’t like talking about my depression to anyone because I am just not that kind of person. I don’t know how to express or to open up myself and I don't want to cry in front of anyone plus I know that no one will ever understand my depression and I am always scared to be judged by it. Some people says that they understand but in reality, they’re just curious. But today, I found a courage to take a minute to open up or to talk about my depression. This is also my way to let those people know who are suffering the same that they aren't alone in this world.
It's no secret that with our recent generations there has been a significant increase in people having depression. The constant intake of social media and with wrong people around us is scary. It's no wonder that so many of us are suffering from depression and people taking their own lives are increasing. If you know someone who's might be suffering depression or struggling with any mental health issues never belittle or say that their illness isn't real. It'll just trigger them and you'll just make the situation worst.
It's upsetting that a lot of people aren't educated enough to help those people who are suffering from mental health. Instead of helping them, comforting and securing them; they're laughing, making fun and telling them that they're just calling for attention (been there). But it doesn’t always have to be like this forever. We can be the generation that breaks the stigma of mental health/illness. Because if not us, who? If not now, when? We all want for our future children and future generations to be able to talk about what they’re feeling and going through freely and without judgment. Don't we?
Let's start at the very beginning...
Ever since I already know that I have problem with speaking in front of others. When I started going to school, I have always been quieter than others. I've always been so scared and nervous every time I had to give a book report in front of the class or read out loud. Simply because everyone in the class are laughing, making fun of me. I'm talking about elementary days. I just thought that my classmates are just acting like that because they're just a kid, they don't know what's right and what's wrong. I thought they'll change.
When I enter senior high school that's when I really knew something wasn’t right anymore. I wouldn't say that it was just because of my classmates or that my classmates didn't changed. They did. Well some of them did. But most of them, didn't. And it just gotten worst. Life wasn't good to me, in all factors; family, friends, bullying, everything. I feel like I was just existing but not living. It was really really hard. There was those days where I just wanted to stay in my room. I didn't feel like facing the world anymore. Nothing was fun to me and I just couldn't explain why I was feeling it. This is when I really felt like I was depressed.
I have no idea what's happening to me anymore. I was so stress and everything. I came to the point where I was so desperate to figure out what was wrong with me that I started googling my issues. Things like feeling hopeless, persistent sadness, insomnia, being nervous and scared over small things, low self-esteem, loosing of interest about anything and thoughts about death or suicide. After I googled my symptoms that's when I find out that it was already a depression. I was scared at first but later on I felt relief. Because finally I found a word for everything I was constantly feeling.
Where I'm at today...
I still have my depression but I wouldn't say that it's as bad as before. Tho there are times where it's worst than yesterday especially because these past few days I've been thinking too much. There are days where I feel so hopeless but thank God I am managing it. I am so grateful that even tho I'm feeling like it I still know that my depression doesn't defined me and if you're also struggling with any mental health issues don't let it define you either. We are so much more than what we think we are and so much more than our depression.
I also want you to know that even if you saw someone's life looks pretty and perfect on the outside it doesn't mean it is also the same on the inside. Like the Kardashians. I know very well that they also have some mental health issues just like normal people and of course they wouldn't show it online. But they do have it. So let's just be kind to everyone. Because everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about.
Is there anything you’re struggling with that you’re willing to talk about? Or ways you cope with depression or other mental illnesses? I’d love to hear your stories and suggestions!
